washingtonpost.com

Barbie v. Ken

By Art Buchwald

Thursday, February 26, 2004; Page C03

The controversy over who should and who shouldn't be allowed to marry couldn't have come at a worse time. It reached its pinnacle the same week the Mattel toy company announced that, after all these years, Barbie and Ken are splitting up.

"Why?" asked Ethel Brooks, who has been collecting Barbie dolls since she was 10 years old.

"It's a tough question," I said. "Marriages go stale, and Ken was going through a midlife crisis."

"Was there another woman?"

"The gossip is that he was fooling around with Midge. Barbie got mad and started dating G.I. Joe," I replied.

"One of the things I heard," Ethel said, "is that Barbie went on the Atkins diet and was miserable."

"Could be," I said.

"I heard at the hairdresser's that Barbie took up with a young man half her age, like Demi Moore did." Ethel continued, "The girls said she called him her 'Toy Boy.' "

"Women do that all the time. President Bush has never mentioned anything about older women and younger men when referring to marriage."

"Barbie isn't gay, is she?" Ethel wanted know.

"No. She showed up at city hall in San Francisco to protest the ban on gay marriages. People want a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman."

Ethel said: "Half the country's marriages end up in divorce. Why don't they have a constitutional amendment for divorced people?"

I said: "Because President Bush doesn't believe in divorce. He sees the family as four people gathered around the fireplace, watching Fox television."

"Now that she has split with Ken, does Barbie have to find a job?"

"Yes. The problem is that there are no jobs, especially for single women."

Ethel said, "Of course Barbie will keep all her clothes."

"Of course. What would Ken do with them? But they are going to have to divvy up the rest of the stuff -- the house, the Volvo, the TV set. If they're smart, they will each get a lawyer."

Ethel said: "The split is going to get expensive. The only ones who profit from a couple getting a divorce are the lawyers."

"Despite all the fuss, Ken was a beach bum and then a ski bum," I said. "This attracted Barbie to him, but after a while she wanted a solid guy.

"This happens as time goes by. After a while, who cares what a hunk in a bathing suit looks like?"

Ethel seemed disturbed. "Do you think after the breakup they'll still be good friends?"

"It's hard to remain friends with someone after living in a trunk together for so long. You know too much about each other."

"They never did get married?"

"No," I said, "but rumor has it that one night they got plastered in Las Vegas, got married and had it annulled the next day. It was kept secret because Mattel didn't want anyone to know about it."

"Thousands of little girls bought Barbie wedding gowns but never used them," Ethel said.

"People bought a lot of things that their daughters never used. How about when she pretended she was an astronaut?"

"Well, it is a whole new ballgame," Ethel said.

"You can say that again. Barbie is going to use her maiden name."

© 2004 Tribune Media Services

© 2004 The Washington Post Company