Mattel Commemorates 'Prostitutes of Foreign Wars' with New Line of Barbies

by Barba, Farrelly & Scooter

NEW YORK - Mattel Toys announced Monday they will release a new line of Barbies to commemorate America's truly forgotten war heroes: port-of-call prostitutes.

Devised to counter criticism that earlier Barbies propagated submissive female stereotypes, the new dolls will immortalize those brave, loose women who helped prop up U.S. interests abroad by going down on our soldiers.

In February, Mattel will release World War I Brigitte, a lusty French whore who can perform amazing tricks with a day-old baguette. Kids will quickly learn her raging yeast infection is the least of her worries. (VD treatment kit sold separately).

In March will come Vera Lynn, the WWII-era English dance-hall hooker, capable of giving GI Joe a lap dance even while he's standing up. That same month will bring Mihu Su, the underaged Vietnamese geisha who "will love you long time" when you pull the string on her back.

The entire line of new Barbies come with prerecorded offers for sex in their native language as well as the patented, anatomically-correct "Kegel Grip™."

The Mattel press release states:"Girls and boys alike will delight in the intricate game of love and commerce between these plucky, foreign street girls and our brave fighting men. The petty negotiations, the sweaty grappling in a Hanoi back alley, the embarrassed reunion when she shows up five years later on Joe's Iowa doorstep with a familiar-looking round-eyed child. It's all good, clean fun."